When I was younger, my mother had a habit of going into my room and just tossing out the things she felt were trash, regardless of what they were to me. I imagine that’s not terribly foreign to a decent host of children; I don’t know if I necessarily disagree that it was improper – a parent has a right to guide, as ze feels is necessary, zir child in the direction ze feels is proper. I also have a hard time distinguishing whether behavior my parents displayed was fair or if I just find it acceptable because it taught me to keep a step ahead of forces I had no control over and I sincerely feel that’s an important life skill to possess.

Either way, I learned to push back (as I did with most things my parents did); and my mother learned to approach it differently. Didn’t like a shirt I had? It just stops showing up in my drawer after the laundry one day. There’s an item she doesn’t like? It just happens to be in a different location than I originally had it – that happens to make it harder to find – to then eventually get “lost”.

In any case, I mention this because it never really went away, regardless if the original behavior was acceptable – this desire to enforce what she felt was accurate and correct in spite of whatever else anyone else thought.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t inherit that mindset to a degree. I don’t like the policies of a certain social network? I’ll just go build my own, then…. The element in question that I want to highlight is that I never shared the same desire to so directly inflict upon the autonomy of the Other; I’ll create an alternative and appeal to those I may feel have a more sympathetic ear rather than directly engage but I won’t directly control. Those who differ can do as they please; just, you know, over there.

So I have a coat.

A coat I rather love; it works well, keeps me ridiculously warm, and – most important, to me – has a lot of memories baked into it.

My mother dislikes this coat. I would say it’s because she’s superficial (which is true, regardless) but she claims it’s dirty and, well, she doesn’t tend to like too old of things (the charitable argument could be that, having been poorer earlier in life, she hates to feel like that position in a multitude of ways but it often manifests in very classists ways so, you know, lay your sympathy where you deem fit).

She’s repeatedly said I need a new coat while I’ve repeatedly said I don’t want (nor need) a new one.

So, this Christmas, she got me a new one.

There’s a lesser strain I’ve noticed and I don’t know if I’ve ever written about it but I feel like I’ve meant to and that’s that I tend to feel often ignored. I say things (often repeatedly) and, invariably, someone says they don’t remember when it invariably comes up. I’m used to getting missed in most areas or going unnoticed; it can be useful, in a political and activist regard, but boy if it ain’t lonely (I’d be remiss if I said I didn’t do the same occasionally but it is the root of my intense focus on remembering elements about people and takes pains to make sure that I give pointed attention to all parties involved when interacting socially with others, especially for those when I notice the rest of the group is sort of ignoring or not noticing them; I’m always surprised when others remember things about me but am always thankful and tend to never forget it happened); this intersects, in some ways, with how I also feel my immediate family regards me as less mature or responsible in spite of – I would argue – at least decent evidence to the contrary but that’s probably a discussion for a different post.

So, to recap, I’ve repeatedly said I don’t need nor want a coat, I’ve gotten a coat from my parents, and my mother has a habit of just doing as she pleases when it comes to getting her way.

I sincerely believe I try to be charitable in all things and acknowledge the benefit of the doubt when doubt is present but I don’t feel there’s a need to be charitable here – she wants me to have a new coat so, regardless of what I want, she gets me one. Yet I come off as an asshole for pointing this out; like I should be grateful for a gift because they spent money on her ego project so I should just accept it.

Except I’m not stupid (well, arguable but at least in some departments) – things don’t happen in a vacuum and this isn’t the first time we’ve done this rodeo of buying things which weren’t on the list for things you thought would serve me better. This isn’t some hard to parse scenario – this is explicitly her seeing an opportunity to get her way.

Wanna know how I know? Because I asked for yarn and crocheting needles and guess what I didn’t get? So you explicitly ignored me to satisfy your pet project for something I didn’t very evidently didn’t need; it just bothered you that one of your children wears a coat you feel is too dirty and that really fucks with your ability to live, in all ways, through them vicariously.

And we could argue that those with less would be very happy to get an unnecessary coat but that’s the thing – you sure as Hell didn’t need to do that. This wasn’t some mishap of “Whoops; accidentally bought this coat because we misunderstood some things.” This was you knowing full well or, alternatively, not listening to me to such a degree as to seemingly be actively tuning out when I speak, repeatedly.

Last year, she took the coat and washed it; I earnestly and honestly don’t feel like I was being out of line in saying that I’m an adult and, if I don’t want my stuff taken and – really – having anything done with them (let alone washed) for – you know – boundaries reasons, I should get that say. So I very firmly told he that if she pulled that crap, again, I would not come back next year or any year after that; I’m tired of losing my autonomy and I didn’t move out for that practice to continue.

Well now, that doesn’t work with what she wants but God forbid she not have her cake and eat it, too. So I get a coat, this year.

And not the thing I wanted (probably, also, because she feels crocheting is feminine and, God knows, that’s a no-no…).

I’m not stupid; I keep track of things. I put one and one together; I don’t forget.

And I know you; I know how you wield emotion. So I know that you know exactly what you’re doing when you pull the “Well, if you don’t want it, we can return it and, at least, get our money back”. Again – I don’t have to be grateful just because you spent money on me in an explicit attempt to only listen to what you wanted.

I know you; I know that’s not sincere. That’s for you to verbally communicate to everyone else around that, “Well, I spent my hard-earned money but, if you don’t appreciate it…” without having to be so explicit.

Spending money on a gift to fit what you desire and not because you have the receiver in mind doesn’t negate all ill-will. I don’t have to be grateful for being ignored.